I Don't Want To Talk To You

There isn’t a polite way to say “I don’t want to talk to you”.  

Or better said, "Talking to you exhausts me emotionally and I don't want to put myself in a position where I will be accidentally rude and offend you, so please don't talk to me."

I haven’t found a way to say it. I haven't been brave enough to even try it because no matter how many times I begin to type the text, I end up backtracking and deleting it in fear that I'll be called ‘rude' or 'a bitch'. 

Instead, I consider my options:

1. Just not responding. I think to myself, "I just won't engage and they'll get the hint." But then the anxiety creeps in and I end up caving. 
2. Respond. I end up fumbling my thumbs and say something like, "sorry, just saw this." Even though I didn't JUST see it. I saw it when you sent it, I've just been procrastinating in responding because I didn't have the mental  wherewithal necessary to engage in a conversation with you. 

I don’t have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, but I do feel anxious. I don’t believe that I am truly an introvert, but I do have introvert tendencies. I’m not anti-social, but I really would rather spend my time off from work alone.

I do not appreciate the notion that because I don’t want to talk to someone, because I don’t want to talk about a certain topic, or because I don’t want to talk at all means that I’m an inherently rude person. I’m not. I’m actually quite the polite person. I’m empathetic. I allow my friends to vent to me and offer advice. 

I just put “How to tell someone you don’t want to talk to them politely” into a Google search engine, and while many forum topics came up with the same head, the responses were riddled with answers ranging from “make excuses!” to “just lie”. Even one forum respondent put to lie and say you have a form of Autism. What the actual fuck? 

There’s a WikiHow page dedicated to avoiding people. JennaMarbles made a video titled “How To Avoid People You Don’t Want To Talk To”. 

This isn’t a new phenomenon. Sorry, mom. Or cousin. Or sister. Or friend. Sometimes my brain is heavy and I’d rather avoid coming off as an asshole. I’m looking out for you, really.

So the next time you send out a message or text and it goes unanswered, before assuming that the receiver is ignoring you or being rude or bitchy, take a moment to consider the possibility of them just not being in the mood to talk. It's ok. 

Parenting Styles & Trying To Stay Up Above The Water

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately.

Us

I've always written in diaries. With the birth of high-speed internet access in most homes, I ventured into online journaling on and off for over 10 years now. LiveJournal. MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram. I'm a sucker for sharing parts of my life with friends and family and strangers. It's one of my favorite things in the world to then look back at my memories for reflection, to coo over memories, to remember little moments, and to see how much I've grown.

Me & A, age 1 month.

I feel like this newest chapter of mine, the parenting one, is going to be the longest, most exhausting, most rewarding one yet. Already I feel like so much time has gone by, and I lament every single moment passed.

Motherhood, so far, (I'm 8 months in), has been a series of fleeting moments.

Me & A, age 2 months.

There are some moments that feel like will never end, the ones where she's up all night. The ones where she won't stop crying or whining. The ones where she's sick and I can't do much to help her. These are struggles that honestly feel like they are never-ending. But then they're gone. In a blink, they have passed and it's as if so much time has gone by.

Me & A, age 3 months.

There are days where I'm watching her play, she's either in her playpen or in her bouncer, looking at a toy intently, twisting it in her little hands, and I realize just how much she's changed in our short amount of time together. She's entertaining herself. In this moment, she is completely enthralled with her stimulus before her.

A, age 4 months.

So many moments have passed, and there are still so many moments left to experience together. I don't want to miss or forget a single second of it. Because before I know it, she'll be a moody teenager. She'll be leaving the house to go to college, to start a career, to get married, to have kids. This is the goal, though, right? To get her to be self-sufficient. But I'm already lamenting the time we've lost.

David & A, age 8 months.

We're at a point in our lives where David can stay home with her while he works. He's currently in the writing stages of his dissertation. That means that he has already designed and implemented his research plan, collected data. Now he's analyzing and writing. Theoretically, that's what he's doing. What he's ACTUALLY doing is singing made-up songs, changing diapers, rocking the baby, and reading/writing notes on his phone while she sleeps in his arms. While it means that the date of completion for his project may be pushed back some or it may mean that nights approaching deadlines are spent hunched over a computer in a coffee shop late at night, pounding out last-minute pages, he wouldn't trade it for the world. Because he gets to spend all of these moments with her. He gets to witness her "firsts". He gets to be the dad that raises her.

A, age 8 months. 

We're doing our best.

Weekly Bumpdate Photo Series

As most of you know, I love to document things. I take pictures, write blog posts, I'm active on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat. I had a Livejournal for like 6 years before I abandoned it. I'm one of those people. Think what you want about my generation and our selfie culture, our over-sharing nature, but I doubt I'm going to look back on my life when I'm like 70 and be like "man, I wish I had less pictures of my life". 

Since this is a new blog, there really isn't any content about my pregnancy at all. Soooooooo, I'm going to share all of my photos from my weekly bumpdate series, just so I have a place to find them all. 

It really is quite amazing to seem them all at the same time like this. I  missed a few weeks here and there due to a crazy schedule or the lack of effort, but I'm glad I have them to share with Aurora when she's old enough to understand. Each week, I also wrote a letter accompanying each picture and put them in a book for her. 

Here we go:

Day 1.