During idle moments, I browse other mom's Instagram or tumblr accounts. I'll look at their pictures and read their About Me pages and so many choose that space to describe their parenting styles. Attachment Parenting, Tiger Mom, Breastfeeding/Bedsharing/Babywearing.
I've read articles on the dangers of being a Helicopter-Mom, one that constantly hovers over their child to jump in at a given moment should the child get close to harming himself. Years ago, one of my coworkers recommended me to read The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, a book about the stark differences between Western and Eastern parenting styles. She was quite the disciplinarian in the classroom, and now as a principal, she is the one to be feared, to be respected. As a middle school teacher, I've sat in on some Parent-Teacher conferences with parents that showed signs of parenting styles ranging from Authoritarian (a style emphasizing discipline, rules, often referred to as 'military-style') to Neglectful (uninvolved parenting, a lack of interest in the child's well-being, one that does not provide any guidance or support). What I've learned from meeting parents and students over the years is that no matter what kind of parenting style you choose to follow, your kid may or may not fuck up. It doesn't matter. Some kids are assholes no matter how stellar a parent you are.
Whenever one of my middle school kids act out, I like to take a moment to consider how I would react if it were my child misbehaving. I've had conversations with my husband asking him what we would hypothetically do if Auri did x, y, or z behavior in school.
I've had students call me a 'bitch' to my face. I've had others carve their names into the desk, deny it, and not face consequences. I've had students leave campus to buy drugs, then come back to class like nothing has happened. I've had students draw pictures of me that were sexual and abusive in nature. As a teacher, my initial thought is always "what the hell are the parents doing?". But now as a parent myself, my first thought is, "what the hell would I do?".
I've had students call me a 'bitch' to my face. I've had others carve their names into the desk, deny it, and not face consequences. I've had students leave campus to buy drugs, then come back to class like nothing has happened. I've had students draw pictures of me that were sexual and abusive in nature. As a teacher, my initial thought is always "what the hell are the parents doing?". But now as a parent myself, my first thought is, "what the hell would I do?".
I have never felt more confident yet insecure at the same time until I became a parent. There are moments where I am SO sure in myself and my ability to parent. Then I have moments where I question every single decision I've made in fear that I'm making huge mistakes in raising this tiny human being. Advice has been thrown at me from all angles. From veteran family members, to childless coworkers, if they have an asshole, they have an opinion on how I should raise my child.
One thing that I have definitely mastered since becoming a parent is how to sift through the advice from others and to take or leave whatever I feel might be useful. I've learned that I, too, give unsolicited advice to people I feel could benefit from my opinion and from what's worked for me. From raising huskies to working with problem-tweens, my advice always comes with a grain of salt. I take the same approach when hearing people out about parenting.
A quick Google search on varying parenting styles can be hugely overwhelming. What kind of parent will I be? Will I be focused on discipline and rules? Will I allow my daughter to be heard? Will her opinions be considered when it comes to decision-making? Will I allow her the opportunity to express herself and how she feels? Will I watch her to fail or hurt herself (slightly) if I see her set on a particular path in order to allow her to learn and grow from her mistakes? Or will I always hover and help her before she makes a mistake, never allowing her to struggle? How will I handle discipline? Time-outs? Removing privileges or toys? Spankings? Just typing this out, I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety in my stomach thinking about the trials and tribulations to come.
Ultimately, I think the best decision when it comes to parenting or teaching is to be able to adapt to each situation, and to not get so hung up on following rules. The thing is that kids change as they age and while consistency is important, not every situation calls for the same style of parenting. Sometimes it's perfectly okay to talk about feelings, sometimes it's okay to let her struggle or fail even though you could have prevented it just for the sake of learning a lesson. And other times it's completely necessary to be rigid with the rules. It all depends on your kid and it depends on what kind of person you are.
I grew up being shuffled between homes and parent figures. I've experienced first-hand all of the different styles of parenting. In each home, with each parent figure, I have both fond and not-so-happy memories growing up. There really is no singular way to parent that will come without mistakes. This is my mantra. I will make mistakes, but I will do my best, and so long as I parent with love and respect, we'll be fine.
xo.
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